Parents often teach children to be polite, patient and respectful, setting expectations for how they should treat others. But children also form their own understanding of these values through the examples set by adults, sometimes picking up habits their parents would rather they did not. Shekar, father of Saketh, saw this when his son mirrored his behaviour during an everyday disagreement over food.
At a restaurant, Shekar had once lost his temper with a chef for making a dish too spicy. Later, when Shekar prepared spicy food himself, Saketh complained about it in much the same way. “I was so embarrassed. I realised I was expecting him to handle his frustration better than I handle my own,” Shekar says. He apologised to his son and explained why losing his temper with the chef had been wrong.
Rupa Murghai, senior psychologist and Director of Wellness Centre, BML Munjal University, emphasises that children’s first lessons in behaviour come from home. How parents respond to delays, argue with neighbours or handle disagreements within the family helps children understand what behaviour is acceptable when faced with frustration.
“Children emulate what they see. Their impressionable minds absorb the behavioural patterns they experience or observe. When parents demonstrate healthy ways of dealing with frustration, children can learn to manage their own anger without becoming reactive or aggressive,” she says.
Children may find it difficult to understand why they are expected to exercise restraint when aggression appears to get results. People who are forceful, talk over others or refuse to back down can seem to get their way, making aggression appear more effective than patience or negotiation. Over time, they may even come to associate standing their ground with dominating others, particularly when such behaviour goes unchallenged.
When a parent’s actions contradict what they teach, children may struggle to understand which behaviour to follow. Murghai says this can lead to emotional outbursts, anxiety, defiance and a belief that adults do not mean what they say. Parents can help children navigate these contradictions by expressing frustration without humiliating others.
Murghai advises parents to pause before responding to their children. “They should apologise and acknowledge that their anger was expressed inappropriately. Anger is a normal emotion; what matters is how we express it. Parents should also be mindful not to repeat the same response in similar situations,” she says.
Children will encounter people who use aggression to gain an advantage, and parents cannot control how those encounters unfold. They can, however, help children distinguish between standing up for themselves and intimidating others, and understand that getting one's way does not automatically make one's behaviour right.