Published: 28th November 2019
Slow Clap: Why we need some more mannequins, stat!
Expressionless, lifeless but great to look at — the perfect statesman is yet to be born, but we Indians have made a way out for ourselves — mannequins
While naysayers criticise us, we have a cheaper and a newer AI option — MI or Mannequin Intelligence — that will gather all the info you need, without the trouble of confrontation.
The Bengaluru Traffic Police has hatched the brilliant plan of placing mannequins at every important junction in the city that always nags about traffic. The mannequins will be dressed up as police personnel and probably look more like the policemen we see onscreen — well built and expressionless.
Jokes aside, this is an idea that should inspire every Indian. The police took this step because they noticed that motorists hurriedly put on their helmets, drivers fasten their seat belts and stealthily slide their mobile phones off their ear after they spot a traffic policeman from a distance. So, if this works, and it surely will, maybe policemen can work from home too like our brothers and sisters from IT. Why should they alone suffer under the blazing sun?
And if this really works out for policemen, why can't teachers get a piece of that action too? Imagine. Exams are on. 100 students in one room, 99 of them trying to copy from a chit or from their partners and that one kid trying to cover his answers best he can. Why not have mannequin invigilators? Dress them up like teachers - make one sit on a chair, place one at every corner - and voila, the kids will have no choice but to write whatever they know and possibly fail. While the teacher sits in a control room, watching the feed from the cameras attached to the mannequins and enjoying a quiet nap.
And why just schools? Government offices too can use a mannequin or two. There should be a mannequin at each counter that has a pre-recorded message - 'The lunch break in on. Please come back after 2 hours'. That should give government employees enough time to tidy up their offices and surroundings, and even participate in yoga sessions.
But the best use of the mannequin sena could be when we use them as our MPs and MLAs. The people and especially the so-called liberals who keep accusing the MLAs and MPs of not visiting their constituencies can now see their MLAs and MPs taking a tour in their government-issued Innovas twice a day. Democracy restored. Won't need Chanakya to win elections.
The mannequin formula should be all-encompassing. Why should journalists be working 'crazy hours'? We should have our own mannequin brigade to sit in for us as well. The news that comes from where it is actually made can be directly sent to the press. Now, we can have as many press conferences with the Supreme Leader. So, quit complaining Ravish!
For those who think people will realise that the Age of Mannequins has dawned upon us and demand to see real people at work, let me tell you something — Indians always explore new avenues. How else do you think we built a bridge to Sri Lanka?
(The author is not a government employee nor a traffic policeman that he would have a selfish stake at this. He just wants to work from home and one day, become an MLA with an Innova and a mannequin to take his rounds for him. He understands that there might be a lot more involved, but all it needs is to grasp that Chanakya Niti right)