On the campus of Shiv Nadar University (SNU) in Noida, Uttar Pradesh, two lives were tragically cut short this month, prompting profound introspection concerning issues of gender-based violence, twisted notions of love and relationship among young adults, as well as the pervasive influence of male ego, which knows no bounds of age or institution.
Consumed by unexamined masculinity and a possessive grip, 22-year-old Anuj Jain shot his classmate, Sneha Chaurasia, over an alleged breakup on May 18. Later that day, Anuj also took his own life. He left behind an email in which he attempted to justify his actions and shared his story with his classmates and the student council. Meanwhile, Sneha's voice remains tragically silent in her death, robbed of the agency to tell her tale.
However, her tragic silence resonates not only with her own harrowing experience but also with countless others. Esha Talukdar, who has experienced a toxic relationship, poignantly captures the dangerous sentiment that prevails in such circumstances, stating, "The attitude is, since I didn't get what I want, now I will have it my way."
Anuj, in his act, does not surprise as his words embody the sentiment expressed by Esha. In the chilling video he shared, he explains how his broken heart morphed into a desperate desire to control and "punish" the person whom he claimed had once changed his life. “She said she wanted a break from the relationship. I asked if I could hope for her return, but she firmly declined, saying she wanted to stay single for a while, which might change things for her. I couldn't accept that," he said. Anuj's distorted concept of justice reverberated as he asserted, “She must be punished."
As the echoes of the tragedy resounded through the university, the haunting questions remained: What motivates someone to unleash such devastating violence upon themselves and the person they claim to love? What drives individuals to engage in destructive behaviours within relationships? Equally significant is understanding why some women choose to stay despite clear signs of red flags, enduring a cycle of abuse and manipulation.
In an attempt to shed light on these toxic dynamics and explore ways to cultivate healthier attitudes towards relationships among young adults, EdexLive delves into these questions through in-depth conversations with gender studies professors, college counsellors and individuals who have experienced abuse themselves. A resonating concern emerges almost unanimously: To love is not to own.
Toxic entitlement: When “No” becomes a trigger
In relationships, it is unfortunately not uncommon for individuals to cultivate a possessive mindset towards their partners, exerting control in various ways. Esha's personal account brings this issue to the forefront as she recounts how her former partner consistently made decisions on her behalf. Reflecting on her experience, she shares, "He constantly undermined my ability to make choices, making me feel incapable of making the right decisions for myself. I was made to believe that I had to blindly trust him to make the right choices for me. I vividly remember the time he slapped me, justifying it as an act of concern for my well-being."
Esha's account highlights a troubling dynamic where her autonomy was disregarded and her partner's actions were justified through a distorted sense of care. This form of manipulation and abuse is unfortunately all too familiar in toxic relationships, where power imbalances and controlling behaviours are normalised. It is important to note that what may initially appear as small instances of control, manipulation, and gaslighting can escalate over time, eventually erupting into acts of violence, as exemplified by Esha's experience. Tragically, there are even more extreme cases among young adults, like that of Sneha.
In the majority of these cases involving relationship-based violence, women are the primary victims. The undeniable presence of male ego and toxic masculinity looms large in such relationships, perpetuating a cycle of harm. When faced with rejection or humiliation, these boys perceive it as a direct threat to the entitlement they believe they possess, and unfortunately, women bear the brunt of their aggression, as if it were an accepted norm.
Dr Niladri Ranjan Chatterjee, a sexuality and gender studies professor at the Department of English, University of Kalyani, sheds light on the origins of this stark disparity. He explains that it begins with the contrasting upbringing of sons and daughters, stating, "Parents often teach their sons that they are entitled to everything while conveying the message to daughters that they are entitled to nothing. This radically different messaging becomes deeply ingrained in their subliminal understanding. Later on in life, individuals extrapolate these beliefs into their relationships. However, when these men realise that they are not entitled to everything, they try to impose their will."
The urgent plea: “Stop making men feel that they are born with guns”
We sought the perspective of a college counsellor to gain further insights into the issue at hand. She highlighted the struggles faced by individuals with low self-esteem when it comes to handling rejections and experiencing humiliation. However, what caught our attention was her belief that the violent tendencies exhibited by men in relationships stem from biology. She argued, "Men get violent because they have higher testosterone levels, which is why empirically they are more violent, aggressive, and dominant. I am not justifying their actions, but acknowledging the role biology plays in this."
Dr Chatterjee, visibly appalled by the counsellor's perspective, voiced his concern, stating, “Even after three decades of poststructural feminism, we are going back to biological determinism.” He further expounded upon the significant influence of culture in shaping masculinity, emphasising that masculinity is not a monolithic concept but varies across cultures. “All men are not masculine in the same way and masculinity changes from culture to culture. Your sleeping, eating, bathroom, and talking habits are all culturally determined. So, stop making men feel that they are born with guns. This is why I feel mental health professionals should talk to feminists more.”
The professor's suggestion of counsellors collaborating with feminists or experts in gender studies holds importance here, as they play a crucial role in the lives of young students who often rely on them in times of crisis. Moreover, within India itself, the expression of masculinity differs across various cultures. While some regions celebrate warrior masculinity, others embrace artistic or progressive masculinity.
Dr Chatterjee also highlights the significant role played by Bollywood in perpetuating a culture of toxic masculinity. He remarks, “It is astonishing that violence remains a pervasive issue in a country that produced the greatest non-violent thinker, who was also a man. Characters like Kabir Singh contribute to the problem. Bollywood cannot dismiss itself as mere entertainment."
Furthermore, Dr Chatterjee challenges the notion of "respecting women", stating that it is inherently patriarchal. When it comes to entitled men, he believes they lack respect for anyone, regardless of gender. “The point is to respect everyone and understand that you are not entitled to everything you fancy. Be prepared that they can find someone else and learn to graciously say goodbye when they do.”
This brings us to a crucial aspect of relationships — the struggle with letting go. Often, people struggle with emotional detachment because they see their partner as something to possess rather than someone cherished by choice. This underscores the pressing need for improved emotional intelligence training across society, not just students, regarding healthy relationship dynamics and respectfully engaging with others’ emotions and boundaries, even after breakups.
The art of letting go: Challenging societal norms and fostering emotional intelligence
In our society, there is a prevalent tendency to romanticise notions of possessiveness and clinginess, mistakenly believing them to be signs of love. However, true love encompasses respect, autonomy and the ability to honour the agency and choices of the other person. It requires us to recognise that relationships are fluid and dynamic, and sometimes they reach a point where parting ways is the healthiest and most compassionate option.
The struggle with letting go can manifest in many ways and give rise to toxic behaviours such as stalking, manipulation or even violence, as exemplified in the tragic case of Sneha Chaurasia. This inability to let go reflects a lack of emotional resilience and an inability to cope with rejection, change or inherent uncertainties of life. “We basically need relationship advice,” says Dr Chatterjee as he emphasises the urgent need for emotional training in dealing with the complexities of parting in relationships. “This is where it transcends the boundary of gender and can happen between same-sex couples as well.”
Dr Chatterjee further elaborates, compelling us to confront the stark reality that every time we enter into a relationship, we are taking a risk. “While it may be beautiful while it lasts, we must be aware that tomorrow it can all end. We often enter relationships with the hope that they will last 999 years, but we are lucky if they even last for 999 hours,” he remarks, adding, “We tend to hold on to human beings as properties, like long-lasting investment in televisions. Even properties we let go of, but humans, we don’t.”
However, this issue also applies to women who find themselves trapped in toxic relationships. Even empowered, aware and progressive women like Esha can struggle to recognise the red flags and find it incredibly challenging to break free. This raises the question of what underlying factors contribute to their difficulty in extricating themselves from harmful relationships, despite their knowledge and awareness.
Beyond awareness: The paradox of empowered victims
When emotionally attached, making decisions for oneself becomes a daunting task. While it may seem straightforward for others to advise leaving at the first sign of distress, Esha reveals her struggle in recognising the warning signs and refusing to acknowledge them in her former relationship, which might be the case with many young adults as well. She asserts that the notion of "better off alone" is far more challenging in practice than in theory.
"When you start believing in their power over you, you begin to believe in everything they do, perpetuating a vicious cycle. Red flags go unnoticed, or sometimes, you fail to see them at all. Breaking free from such a relationship is no simple feat, as you remain trapped in a constant state of denial. While those around you can identify the problems, you become blind to them, allowing fleeting moments of happiness to overshadow the glaring issues. Desperately, you cling to that one ray of hope," Esha articulates.
In addition to this, shedding light on the issue of a fear of abandonment, she elaborates, "One of the reasons I struggled to leave that toxic relationship was the fear of being alone. This fear extends even to toxic friendships. I find it immensely difficult to walk away from them. They may be toxic, but at least I am not facing the world alone. After all, I am a social being." Esha’s honest reflections demonstrate the intricate emotional entanglements and the complex interplay of fear, denial, and the desire for companionship that often keep individuals trapped in toxic relationships.
However, when it comes to friendships, there are limits to what we choose to endure. But why do we put up with violence and abuse in a relationship? The reasons behind this are complex, deeply rooted in our evolutionary instincts and emotional dependencies but Dr Chatterjee says it is also reflective of societal expectations and norms that perpetuate the valorisation of “coupledom”. He highlights how the media plays a role in reinforcing this narrative by placing importance solely on sexual partnerships over non-sexual ones such as friendship. “They valorise coupledom as the best and the most marvellous form of relationship. Why not celebrate relationships that are not sexual? Why not celebrate friendships?”
This calls for an expansion of relationship paradigms, where definitions of relationships go beyond romantic partnerships. Dr Chatterjee raises the question, "Why aren't friends enough? and emphasises the need to promote singlehood and diverse forms of love and relationship. He further draws attention to the concept of the "chosen family", a term that was recently referenced during the Supreme Court hearing on the same-sex marriage. "In the realm of sexuality and gender studies, we discuss the 'chosen family'. This refers to a group of three or four friends who choose to live together, with sex not being the defining factor of this family. Let us reimagine the concept of family," he proposes.
How to encourage healthier attitudes towards relationships? How can institutes help?
To foster healthier attitudes towards relationships, it is crucial to address and challenge harmful norms and behaviours. Dr Chatterjee highlights the need for men to embrace their vulnerability and recognise that true strength lies in open communication, not in outward displays of dominance or violence. He emphasises, "Talking is the best medicine. They need to understand that being strong outwardly is a sign of weakness, violence is a sign of weakness."
Educational institutes have a pivotal role to play in promoting healthy relationship dynamics and supporting students' well-being. While we could not reach SNU, Dr Chatterjee suggested several measures that an institution can take. Firstly, institutes should ensure the presence of a resident mental health professional who is a full-time employee. This professional should be well-trained, sensitive and able to provide immediate assistance to students experiencing suicidal thoughts or emotional crises.
Additionally, the curriculum should actively address harmful practices and guide healthy relationship dynamics. Professor Chatterjee proposes the implementation of orientation programmes held once every semester with mandatory attendance. These orientations should be conducted by mental health professionals or life coaches who could help teach students how to respect their partners as individuals. Finally, teachers need to be mindful of their words and actions. They should strive to be sensitive and avoid perpetuating patriarchal beliefs. Dr Chatterjee stresses the importance of teacher awareness, as they may unknowingly express patriarchal views.
