In today’s world, one thing is crystal clear, celebrating independence and personal space is non-negotiable. The age-old dynamics of parental care often tread a fine line between love and intrusion.
And don’t get me wrong — I don’t entirely blame our parents. After all, they’re walking on eggshells in a changing world.
However, the recent viral incident of a 26-year-old Gen Z son demanding his mother return her spare key (yes, because she kept letting herself in unannounced) has forced us to re-examine where care ends and control begins.
The great 'Indian parent paradox'
In India, parenting isn’t just about raising children — it’s a lifelong commitment. It starts with choosing their schools, and extracurricular activities, extends to major life decisions, and more, but how do we navigate this conversation without sounding ungrateful or rebellious? Let’s break it down.
Psychologists have long emphasised that personal space isn’t just a Western construct — it’s a fundamental psychological need.
According to the Journal of Family Psychology (2024), in high-context cultures like India, where family bonds run deep, young adults face double-layered stress. One from external societal pressures, and another from a lack of autonomy at home.
During my teen years, I used to joke, Naanu maneyalli ili aache huli (I’m a meek mouse at home but a tiger outside). That duality wasn’t just for show — it was my way of coping with two very different worlds.
Studies suggest that, when parents respect their adult children’s need for space, it strengthens relationships rather than weakens them. A balanced parent-child dynamic — where interactions flow from love and choice, rather than obligation or control — is key.
So, what do we do when setting boundaries is misinterpreted as rejection? The answer lies in effective communication: be firm, be compassionate, and, yes, be assertive.
For the youth: How to set boundaries without sounding rude
"Amma, I love you a lot, but please read this before barging in!"
Here are some psychology-backed strategies that work in our Indian family setup.
Indian parents often equate privacy with secrecy.
Instead of reacting with frustration, flip the narrative.
Explain that personal space isn’t about keeping secrets — it’s about mental well-being. A simple, “Amma, privacy means recharge, not rebellion,” can go a long way.
Next time your mother barges in, gently say, “Amma, imagine if I walked into your bedroom or kitchen and started rearranging your stuff without asking. How would you feel?”
Delivered in a sweet tone, this analogy not only makes them reflect but also, steers the conversation away from confrontati
Most of our parents grew up in a culture where obedience was non-negotiable. Instead of framing it as a Me vs You battle, turn it into a mutual respect pact.
Say, “Amma, just like I won’t interfere when you’re watching your favourite serial, I’d appreciate the same respect for my time and space.”
Keep repeating, “Amma, I love you,” so they know this isn’t about pushing them away — it’s about evolving together.
One reason parents intrude is the fear of losing connection. Indian parents often show love by checking in — sometimes excessively so. Be proactive, and set aside a dedicated time for catching up, whether it’s a Sunday brunch or an evening tea session.
This not only reassures them but also creates a healthy outlet for venting, support, and genuine connection.
If the spare key saga is your sticking point, set a clear, respectful rule: “Maa, this key is for emergencies only — not for surprise visits. If you ever want to drop by, just let me know first.”
This respects their role while ensuring your personal space remains intact.
For the parents: Welcome to Indian Parenting 2.0
While setting boundaries is crucial, it’s time for a mindset shift on the parental side too. Here’s how you can adapt your parenting approach for today’s evolving relationships:
1. Shift from “control” to “consultation”
Traditional Indian parenting is hierarchical—parents decide, children obey.
But today’s world demands a more democratic approach. Instead of assuming control over every decision, adopt a consultative role: offer guidance, but let your children make the final call.
A small switch makes your children feel heard and can even lead to unexpected plot twists that might teach you something new.
2. Embrace this unconventional philosophy
Many Indian parents equate protection with preventing failure, but failure is a crucial ingredient for growth. Rather than intervening at every step, allow your children to experience setbacks and learn from them.
Remember, “Support doesn’t mean shielding; it means standing beside them, not in the front.”
3. Respect boundaries (digitally as well)
Digital privacy is a whole new ballgame. Instead of obsessing over WhatsApp last last-seen statuses, passwords, or who your child is texting, trust their digital autonomy.
A simple “I trust your judgement” goes a long way compared to a barrage of unwarranted questions.
Educate them about online dangers while allowing them the freedom to explore — and yes, you might just learn a few new tech tricks along the way!
4. Recognise that parenting evolves
Accepting that your child is no longer a child is one of the toughest transitions. While emotional attachment lasts a lifetime, your parenting style must evolve from authority to mentorship as they grow into adults.
Ask yourself, would you walk into your cousin's house uninvited? If not, extend that same courtesy to your grown-up child. It’s a simple rule with a profound impact.
Final thoughts: Balancing tradition and independence
At its core, this isn’t about rejecting Indian values; it’s about upgrading them. Love, care, and family ties remain paramount, but they must be redefined with respect for autonomy.
As Indian families evolve, so too must our definitions of care.
With open conversations, mutual respect, and a healthy dose of sass, we all must understand that setting boundaries isn’t rebellion — it’s a step toward healthier relationships. Because at the end of the day, love feels best when it’s given freely, not enforced forcefully.
[PS: I wrote this right after Women’s Day — and the viral Reddit post was between a mother and son — I’ve only used "Amma" here. Don’t worry, dear fathers: read "Amma" as "Appa."]
With regards,
Adarsh Benakappa Basavaraj
Your Chief Officer of "Maa/Paa please knock" Affairs
