Parenting today - An Emotional Dilemma?| Aarti C Rajaratnam
Aarti C Rajaratnam is a psychologist and author whose work sits at the intersection of mental health, gender, relationships, and social conditioning. Known for her ability to translate complex psychological ideas into accessible language, she has emerged as a strong public voice on emotional well-being, intimacy, trauma, and the everyday struggles of modern relationships—especially in the Indian context.
Through her clinical work, writing, and public engagement, Aarti focuses on normalising therapy, dismantling stigma around mental health, and encouraging emotionally honest conversations in a society where silence often replaces support.
Key Takeaway:
Emotional awareness matters more than emotional labels
Children don’t need to memorise emotion words as much as they need to feel safe recognising what they’re experiencing. While naming emotions can help some children regulate, many—especially younger ones—need body-based regulation like movement, breathing, art, and calm presence before words can work.
Not all emotions need to be “fixed”
Anger, guilt, fear, and sadness are not negative emotions—they are messengers. Each emotion carries information: anger signals boundary violations, guilt signals the need for repair. Demonising emotions only teaches children to suppress rather than understand themselves.
The education system ignores how the brain actually learns
Conventional schooling prioritises testing and control over exploration and curiosity. By limiting play, fantasy, and experimentation—especially in early years—schools often break the spirit of learning and discourage children from making mistakes, which is essential for real neurological learning.
Poverty and insecurity are silent barriers to learning
For first-generation learners, learning cannot happen until basic needs like safety, nutrition, and stability are met. Hunger, violence, and uncertainty hijack the brain’s capacity to focus. Addressing education without addressing these realities creates deep inequality.
Parenting is about presence, not performance
Modern parenting often relies on quick fixes, comparisons, and social pressure. True parenting is not about techniques—it is about readiness to build a relationship, to be emotionally present, and to engage consistently rather than reactively.
Inner wellbeing and academic success are not opposites
Children perform better when they feel aligned with themselves. Simple practices like routine, reflection, reduced distractions, and nurtured relationships build emotional safety—which naturally supports focus, confidence, and learning.
Healing doesn’t always happen through words
Creative therapies like art, music, play, and drama are powerful tools for emotional healing because they help children feel safe without forcing verbal expression. Trauma is not always processed cognitively—sometimes the body and creativity lead the way.
Transcript:
Chethan K (Host): So many children today struggle to name their emotions. From a psychological lens, how important is emotional vocabulary in early childhood and what happens when it's missing?
Aarti C Rajaratnam (Guest): See, now the whole aspect of naming emotions is a very recent concept. If you see, actually it goes with that ‘name it to tame it’ movement that started. But to just give you a context, there are about 85, 83 to 85 emotions that the human being can go through and most people are supposed to know only three, which is sad, mad, and glad.
So that's really the problem. There is one approach which says that when you name your emotion, you're in a better position to regulate it, but there are two ways in which a normal human being can work through emotions. One is the top down approach where you think through your answers and stuff like that.
So that is where the naming to taming works. But many young children are actually the bottom up kids. So if I were to give you context, if I say this is the handy model of the brain. So this is your spinal cord. This is your brain stem. This is the limbic system where the emotions are, and this is the cortex where you experience thought. Now you have to reach the limbic system somehow.
So the bottom up approach is where you go from the brain stem, where you have the fright, flight, freeze, those kind of emotions, and then you regulate. So you regulate essentially through the body. So through a breathing technique, through walking through calming down through water, art, those kind of things.
Then you have the top down approach where you know you have emotions like anxiety, where you know you can do a cognitive behavioral process or you think through a different scenario you reframe. So the naming to taming may not work in all emotions, and the most important aspect that we need to remember as adults is that every emotion is healthy.
So I normally say that every honest emotion is a positive emotion, and it brings a gift. So, for example, I can feel guilty if I've harmed somebody and I want to make amends. I can feel angry if a boundary has been violated, and I want to change that.
So this thing of demonizing certain emotions is very unhealthy. So where I would answer your question very specifically is not only naming emotions, but emotional awareness is more important. So when I'm aware that I'm experiencing emotional state, consider that emotion as a messenger that has a gift for me. When I understand that, then it becomes so much easier to bring about regulation.
Chethan K (Host): You have helped design school without traditional classrooms. What in your view is fundamentally broken in conventional education system today?
Aarti C Rajaratnam (Guest): We are not working with how children learn. So there are two neurologically, if you see there is a behavioral activation system and a behavioral inhibition system.
And this is evolutionary biology wise. When we were hunter gatherers, the behavior activation system taught me to look for opportunities. So I was hungry, for example, and that behavioral activation system made me go around looking for food. Then some ancestor ate a fruit and died. So then the behavioral inhibition system came to say that's an opportunity, but that's also a risk and it balanced out children essentially when they come into school.
Between those two to seven, the activation system is high, which is why fantasy is high. They don't have any limitations. They're willing to explore, and at that point we destroy their ability to look for opportunities and bring them down into chalk and talk and just limited learning. And this is even worse because some schools still have very healthy play-based or fantasy based or sensory experience based learning.
But many schools still believe the IIT coachings and steer children towards that. So when you ask me, you actually break the spirit of learning in conventional schools. So that's what I've been fighting all these years because to understand that I learn in a certain way. It's probably through exploration, through making mistakes. I need to go through it, and the worst part about the conventional system is that we are so quality control driven.
So we want to only check if somebody has fit certain parameters, whereas learning can happen even when you're not testing quality. So the current system, I think what it also does is it destroys the ability to make mistakes, and for the nervous system, making mistakes is extremely important because only when I make mistakes. It solidifies the learning.
That's the white matter that goes around the synapse. So this, if we understand, then I would say most people will move away from the conventional learning and respect natural learning that comes to a child, the mechanisms within the nervous system that lead to learning.
It's not just that I may be talented or skilled in certain areas because it's always good to know many things. I may not master everything, but it's good.
So in that sense, I'm not saying that you should study some subjects and shouldn't study some subjects. I'm not somebody who's against that. I would actually have children explore many areas, and then specialize in something, but to just be testing children when they could be exploring. I think what the biggest challenge is with our system.
Chethan K (Host): Having worked extensively with first generation learners in rural and marginal communities, what emotional or psychological barriers do these children face?
Aarti C Rajaratnam (Guest): The barriers are more societal. Let me be very practical. If we take Maslow's theory of self-actualization, your basic needs need to be met first. There are many theories with which I can explain it, but if you just say, my basic safety needs, my basic needs for hunger, thirst, etc., if they're not met.
I can't go into learning at all. So many times what happens is in some of the communities that I've worked with, there is so much of abuse, so much of violence, there is no safety. There is bonded labour, even now in certain parts of India, stuff like that. So when you ask me, there are a lot of societal pressures.
If you see the latest researchers in trauma say that poverty is probably one of the worst traumas that a person can go through because when you are growing up in lack, your ability to learn and acquire becomes very less. Because you're just wondering, will I have my next meal?
At that point, will a mathematics problem or an English subject make a difference for you? Not really.
But then we glorified this one person who studied under the lamppost and made it big. Nothing against that. But if everybody could have the same opportunities, it would make a big difference.
So that's where in many of the schools that I've worked with, we've made sure that the meals are always provided. They have a good nutritious breakfast, they have a good lunch, and they have an evening snack. So when they've had high protein meals thrice a day, it also helps them study and they're able to contribute much better to their learning process.
Chethan K (Host): Where do you think modern parenting is found wanting?
Aarti C Rajaratnam (Guest): Most people are not ready to be parents. There is no readiness. You don't have to have skills. See, very honestly, even parenting, it's not a set of tips and tricks. It's an ability to build a relationship. To be willingly present in a relationship is a conscious choice.
Right now when I'm speaking to you, I'm making a conscious effort to connect with you, and we are having a conversation. That's two way. It needs that effort, but right now what is happening in most modern parenting is many people have become parents because it's expected of them. After a marriage or something like that to have a child.
So now when they've not yet established their own identity, when they've not yet grown up themselves, and especially in the Indian setting, when they're still partially enmeshed in their own parent home with the parent, they're trying to be parents here, and it doesn't matter with age, just the readiness matters.
So when you're not ready to invest in a relationship. Then you tend to become prey to an imaginary audience. You're trying to do things as a parent because all your friends in a particular circle are doing it, which may not be necessarily beneficial for your child. So the only thing that I would request to all parents is not to rely on tips and tricks and quick five minute fixes.
Because to build a relationship or that matter, anything of value, you need to put in the effort.
Chethan K (Host): You often speak about innocence over performance. How can a parent and schools nurture a child's inner world without compromising academic growth?
Aarti C Rajaratnam (Guest): They're not two separate things. To be able to perform. I need to be so aligned to myself, to my inner self. So that's where I would say there are five R's. First is routine. Get your routines in place because when you have your routine in place, like your sleep habits, your eating habits, your exercise, whatever you are already, you know, not having to waste a lot of time on those small things.
That's the first step. The second R, that I would talk about is extremely important, which is you have to bring in your reflection. And reflection is something that you can do right from the time that you're about a year old. As long as you can use language, you can start reflection. And there are two ways to do it.
One is to use a 7, 7, 7 technique, which I like to teach parents, which is the first seven minutes in the child's day. You cuddle them, play with them, ask them what they'd like to do in the day, things like that. So you let them know that it's a beautiful day and that you can face it.
And then the second seven minutes are just when they've come back from school or something like that, talking about the whole day and say, what did you love about today? What were the things that were challenging? Stuff like that. So they've also realized that when I come back after a tiring day. There is somebody who's willing to listen to what my day was like.
The last seven minutes is just before they go to sleep, a bedtime debrief where they go through, you know, I really love that you're in my life.
They hear a lot of positive messages about the day. So they wake up feeling safe. They have somebody present in the evening, as soon as they come out from school, and they go to bed listening to positive messages about themselves.
And that really makes a huge difference. So the moment I'm able to reflect at that level, the other Rs 2 come in. One is reduce anything that is distracting you.
Restrict anything that is making you addicted. And I'm specifically talking from gadgets. And the last R is nurture your relationships.
These are the best ways in which you can build an inner life, and that will build into your academics.
Chethan K (Host): Through your work with young people and your columns, what emotional needs of teenagers are most misunderstood by adults?
Aarti C Rajaratnam (Guest): First thing is that the teen years are not very short. They actually start at 10 and go on until 32.
So we think it's only the 11 to 19 kind of thing. It's a much longer period, and the brain is going through tremendous change. Secondly, it's the age where a lot of risk taking behaviors will happen.
We'll have to take it. But specifically to answer your question, what is the biggest challenge? It is the age where you learn all your skills through relationships.
At different ages, we learn through different things. In the teen years, it's always through peer relationships and therefore to remove gadgets from their lives and to allow healthy interactions with their peers is the primary need, because if we don't do this, we notice that there's a lot more anxiety, a lot more challenging behaviors that show up later in life. So this gang age, as we call it, requires social interaction, specifically peer interaction.
Chethan K (Host): Many children experience invisible drama from bullying, pressure, or family conflicts. How can parents and teachers recognize trauma when there is no obvious crisis?
Aarti C Rajaratnam (Guest): So the word trauma itself is misunderstood because the current generation of social media hashtags it all the time. Some kids say I'm traumatized because I don't have the wifi password as well. So trauma is sort of used in a very negative way. But I would just say that trauma, if you want to really understand it, it's something for which I don't have coping skills. Any sudden or prolonged difficulty for which I don't have coping skills.
So it is likely to be invisible because nobody is going to go out and say, listen, I don't know how to deal with this. So usually if you have a healthy relationship with the child, you will pick up the cues. Because you will notice, see, if you have a close friend and your friend is a little distracted when you're having your dinner or something, you'll know that something's not okay and you'll ask him, what is happening? Is there something I can do?
So usually if you have an active presence in the child's life, you are likely to pick up the signs even without anybody teaching you. But however, now with both parents working teachers also being pressured by so many events in the school, correction tests, in fact, I think teachers are overburdened in most schools.
It becomes very difficult for them to be actively present in a child's life. So I would say if you really care about the child, you'll have to make a little bit of time to be present in the child's life. But if you want symptoms wise, a sudden drop in academic performance is usually one of the biggest cues that a person can pick up because it's very tangible.
You will know it for sure. Apart from that, you'll have the other symptoms like poor diet, not sleeping enough, isolating, and going into addictions. You know, the addictions can be substance related, it can be gadget related, can be all of that. Or you'll find that very irritable, just flying off the handle for different things.
So any change in their regular form of functioning is usually a cue and it's good to reach out and first speak to the child and then reach out for help as early as possible. Many people think that they can somehow deescalate it. And then when it's reached a point, when they're not able to do anything, they go to a professional and that's where the problem arises.
See, I wouldn't use the word trauma because it's a separate diagnostic criteria. I would just say, how do you identify when a child is going through a difficult time? Because that's an easier way, because it can even involve just talking to my friend and talking to me can also be a difficult challenge for the child.
It may not be a trauma. So it's important for us to just realize that whenever somebody is not their normal self, which means you see them as a very active conversationalist, but then they suddenly say, no, I want to spend time alone. You see a sudden shift in behaviour, then you just investigate and that investigation has to happen as a safe space where you ask them, is there something I can do for you?
And if they say no, give me space. Give them space. Because many times in the Indian context, at least you're like, no, you tell me. I'm like your friend. All that. And then when the child divulges, for example, that I was infatuated with somebody and then that person dumped me like this is not the age to do it.
So then the child says, you asked me to share. And now you don't want that information. So it's important. Many times I teach parents to ask, is there something I can do? Do you want to vent or do you want me to help you with a solution? Ask questions which are very specific so the child can make a choice.
Then it becomes much easier. So instead of saying trauma can just say, what is it I can do? So do they need just a shoulder to lean on? Do they need somebody to sound out an idea? Do they need somebody who can help them fix something? It becomes much easier.
Chethan K (Host): You trained thousands of teachers globally. In your experience, what is the single most important mental health skill every teacher should have today?
Aarti C Rajaratnam (Guest): It has to come from self-care and self-love. Why I am saying that is because teaching is a giving profession and you can never pour from an empty cup. So that self-care is extremely important because very often what happens is, and unfortunately, so if you're a good teacher, you'll get more work.
If you're an average or a mediocre teacher, you won't have so much work. Let me be practical about that. So when you are a good teacher, you need to have reset mechanisms for yourself. It could be by resting sufficiently, it could be by nourishing yourself with hobbies or with relationships that will help you.
And that's very important because you notice that we are all relational beings and the quality of our relationships will define the quality of our life. So for teachers, I think it would be self-care. That's the most important.
Chethan K (Host): In the present time with screens shaping attention, identity, and relationships. How should parents’ guide children without fear-based restrictions or total freedom?
Aarti C Rajaratnam (Guest): It's always a model. Don't manipulate. Screens have existed for 15 years. Before that, we had no smart, smart screens, interactive screens and stuff like that. But why I'm saying why I need to reiterate this point that we have to model is because that's how children learn best.
See, if you're using a microwave. It comes with a set of instructions and you follow that, otherwise it explodes. Screens are more dangerous than those. And we don't have a manual that says this much is enough, or this is the content you can interact with. So somewhere I feel the most important thing is gadget free time that adults have to first model and make conscious efforts to build a relationship.
Because when you make a conscious effort to build a relationship, it'll not have a screen. The third aspect is when you're saying extremes of discipline. It's because we feel that control changes behavior, connections change behavior. Control, connections will lead to communication, and these two are the most essential skills.
So the most important aspect of what a parent can do is to start by setting the rules for themselves and then letting the child join them, you know, you join them and beat them is what the message has to go out. Relationships are not contractual. They're trust-based. I don't think it should be a behavioral contract.
It must be one where I genuinely want to participate. Because when I say it's going to be contractual, it can be broken anytime. Whereas trust on the other hand, when you build a relationship and you value the other person, it's something that both of you will consciously be engaged in. And I think for long-term change in anything, that kind of an investment is extremely important.
It's not idealistic. Many people think it's idealistic, but when we say something fake like a contract is okay. But something important like trust is not, then that's where the problem arises. We've become technological giants, but we've become moral dwarfs.
Chethan K (Host): You have used art play, music and drama as tools for therapy. Why are creative therapists still underestimated in mainstream mental health and education systems?
Aarti C Rajaratnam (Guest): Do you want the truth? It's the insurance systems. They all originated from the west. So it's easier for you to have a talk therapy with a transcript and everything that a insurance company can reimburse.
Whereas when you look back on any traditional system, dance, music and art played such an important aspect in healing. You take the Native American cultures or you go into India, go into any Indian culture. Any of our festivals, there is such a rich tradition of music there. You go into any tribal village.
They have some kind of art. So when your culture has so deep connections with art and music coming back after a trauma or after a problem, shouldn't it be through that? You're not fixing something that's broken. You are helping somebody to feel safe in an ecosystem because it'll heal on its own.
See, they say that even in medical treatment, the body always knows how to heal itself. The medication or the doctor's presence only aids in the process. It doesn't change the process. Similarly, with mental health, it's very important to understand. Soul always knows how to heal. The important part is to silence the mind, and that can happen only in creative therapies.
Chethan K (Host): You’ve worked with children who are being affected by 2004 Tsunami and Nepal Earthquake. How did those experiences reshape your understanding of trauma learning and resilience in children?
Aarti C Rajaratnam (Guest): When I went in 2004 to the coast, I had no clue what I was going to do. I was just moved by the trauma and I went.
But when I went there, I realized I was ill-equipped. I remember crying on the coast saying, I don't know what to do. Because none of us knew looked at the devastation, but we had to be there. So right from burying bodies, I was there. But at the same time, after about a week, I realized that grief is a very personal experience.
People had lost loved ones. People were grieving, even their homes. People were grieving a loss of a livelihood. There were different things people were grieving for, but in the tsunami, the first thing I learned was that children, especially the Fisher community, I was in Kanyakumari, that entire area of eleven villages there.
The first thing I learned from them was that the ocean was the one that was their livelihood, and the ocean took away everything. So they felt a sense of betrayal, not sadness. So for me, the grief there was to help them trust the ocean again. So my work there was very different. Whereas when I went to the Nepal earthquake and when I worked with children who've been torn apart by communal riots or that kind of infighting, I've noticed that there it was fear.
So in each disaster, the core emotion remains different. And as a therapist, I've learned to identify that and work through that. So it changed the way I work as a therapist.
Chethan K (Host): If you could speak directly to a child, a parent and a teacher, one sentence for each. What do you want them to remember about mental wellbeing?
Aarti C Rajaratnam (Guest): It's one sentence for everybody. In the end, it'll all work out. Don't worry.
Because we try to control things. We try to control outcomes, etc. We try to plan over, plan, etc., but you have to just trust life. You may not always get what you want, but what you get, you can still make it the best for your life.
In the end, it'll work out. So that's the message that I have for anybody.
