Scene 1: As he stood up from his chair, Rajesh realised that he's been at his workstation for the past 6 hours. His back hurt and his head felt as heavy as a boulder. He opens the door to the living room. His 16-year-old son, Arpit, is sitting on the couch and fiddling with his phone. A fuse goes off.
Rajesh: Do you have nothing better to do? Why are you always stuck to that godforsaken screen? No one will be able to save you from falling.
His head was hurting. But it seemed like the right thing to do. Why should a kid his age be on the phone 24x7?
Arpit: Dad, I am studying.
Studying? Why lie? He wanted to take the phone from his hand and throw it away. That's what his father would have done. But then he will have to get him a phone for tomorrow morning's class.
Rajesh: I can see you playing games from right here. So, don't try to sell me the same bullshit. Don't you have anything better to do?
Arpit: I would have if you guys would have had some time and hadn't locked yourselves in your so-called workstations. You know, I thought, I genuinely thought, we'd be catching up and spending some time during this damned lockdown and I liked the first few days. Now, I pray every day that it opens up fast.
Scene 2: Arpit has been bored. No. Not just today. It's sort of becoming a resting phase. He's always bored. It feels like he's merged with Netflix, knows the GTA 5 roads better than the makers, and there's not much left to do at home. The last few months have been the loneliest. And no, he isn't alone at home. His parents are WFH. But he is lonely and bored. As he surfed the new map on Call of Duty, the door to his father's study opened.
Rajesh: Do you have anything better to do? Why are you always stuck to that godforsaken screen? No one will be able to save you from falling.
Really? Do you care? Doesn't seem so, Arpit wanted to say.
Arpit: Dad, I am studying.
The best way to deal with it is to ignore it.
Rajesh: I can see you playing games from right here. So, don't try to sell me the same bullshit. Don't you have anything better to do?
Really? How was he so blind? How could he not see that his son was bored to depression? Should a teenager have to explain these things to his parents? Are they even qualified to be parents then?
Arpit: I would have if you guys would have had some time and hadn't locked yourselves in your so-called workstations. You know, I thought, I genuinely thought, we'd be catching up and spending some time during this damned lockdown and I liked the first few days. Now, I pray every day that it opens up fast.
The reality that hits hard
This is not a story. It's how a lot of Indian households looked like after a year of lockdown and work from home. While we started the COVID-19 lockdown last year with the fear of the virus and with the optimism to convert this crisis into an opportunity and bond with our family, more than a year later, that fairytale has come undone. And parents are busier than they were when they were going to the office. Kids are frustrated and on the verge of depression with online classes, being locked inside the house and parents. This stay-at-home year took a toll on the child-parent relationship.
Being human beings, each one of us looks for some sort of stability in life. The pandemic has brought uncertainty and instability with it, said cyberpsychologist and psychotherapist Nirali Bhatia, who works mostly with teenagers. "And it has impacted each of us in different ways — emotionally as well as practically. While it (the lockdown) felt like a welcome change at first, after a point, too much of anything would feel uneasy. The novelty has worn off. The biggest problem here was that the routine went missing. This has impacted not only personal lives but professional lives as well. Like WFH. When not managed properly, it will overlap with other parts of your life and all of it gets messed up. I have so many clients struggling to bring that balance between family time, personal time and work," added Nirali.
It's not just the children who are burdened. The parents too are overburdened with work and responsibilities at home, said clinical psychologist Dhara Bangera. "They have understood their children much better, but the burden of parenting has also increased multifold. They previously might have had family members or household help who would take care of the kid. Suddenly, that has changed. The schooling has completely fallen on the shoulders of the parents. it has become their responsibility. First, to make sure that the children attend their classes properly. Classwork and homework both are at home now. Then it often falls on the parents to mail the assignments to the school. The responsibilities of the parents have amplified for the parents and some people are yearning to go back to work. Office, though it was stressful, gave them a separate space to make friends and have a social life," she added.
While it is fun to have parents around, the children are often being baffled at why their father or mother is shouting at them for no apparent reason. The parents might have been stressed about work or a pay cut and that anger is getting deflected towards the children because they can't retaliate, said Dhara. "While the kids are happy. It is not possible for them to handle their parents' mood swings. I have had cases where the children want their mother to get back to work because they felt she was happy when she was at work," said Dhara.
Teenagers most affected?
For teenagers, it's been a worse experience. These are the forming years and being cooped up at home doesn't help. "This is the time when they need more than just their family. Children also feeling unsure about their future because the classes and exams have all gone haywire. There's uncertainty all around," said Ekta Gosalia, a clinical psychologist who has been working with children. "The children have also been exposed to the parents' fights as well. The parents are under pressure and when they fight, these kids witness it first hand. They are feeling anxious and are even having suicidal tendencies at this point because they don't even have anyone to talk to about it," added Ekta.
It's not just that the parents are at home but still not available, they are also butting into their personal space. Much more than they were when the offices were open. "Everything is on the phone now. As a parent, you tell the child, 'You are always on the phone. What do you get from them in turn? 'Do you even know what I am doing on the phone?' The lockdown has shrunk the space that was already very constrained — both physical and mental space — in Indian households. Children feel constantly monitored. That freedom to be what you want to be and even make some mistakes is missing. It's not that the parent is intruding deliberately but it's bound to happen at some point," said Nirali. But the screen addiction is not just limited to gaming and Netflix. "There are some teenagers who are getting addicted to porn as well. They have nothing to do at home and the teenagers get exposure to this and they get addicted," said Ekta.
What's the way out?
So, what do the parents ideally need to do? The experts have some suggestions that they have tried and got results as parents themselves. "There needs to be a shift in the way we look at the whole scenario — reestablishing timelines, routines, having clear expectations of the roles is very important. We have to also understand that we have to let the children be," said Nirali, the mother of a 16-year-old. "We had started treating him like an individual ever since he turned 10. We made the conscious choice by including him in the conversations and even family decisions. And that's what worked during the lockdown as well. Because we sat and talked about how life was going to change and also involved him in household responsibilities. He obviously did not want to do it after the first few days but it helps when the rest of the family is also helping around the house. Now, my son picks out faults when I am mopping," laughed Nirali. But there are days when the child won't feel like doing anything and giving them that space is very important, she added.
For younger kids, it might need a little more involvement from the parents' side. Dhara likes to keep her 10-year-old daughter close even when she is working. "If I ask her to go and do whatever she wants she won't know what to do. So you need to drop suggestions — to go play, utilise her TV time or maybe listen to some music or dance," she added. Challenging the energy is very important but that would require understanding the child' interests. While a lot of young parents have been busy and might not know how to understand their kids' interests, giving them a little more time, even on the weekends would help, said Ekta. "On Sunday, they can plan a routine for the child and include incentives and punishments. If they are able to follow the routine they get rewarded and if they can't then there would be a punishment like no screen time. If this is a like deal then there would be no conflict between them as well," said Ekta, the mother of a five-year-old. "I help her in the morning with her online classes and then she has her music and art classes which she is really interested in," said Ekta.
Keeping the kids clued in to what is happing around them and what their parents are going through is very important. This bridges the gap. While for teenagers the parents can choose to directly tell them what they are going through at work, the younger ones can be clued in through a story. But once they know the pressure the parents are under they understanding is much better, said the experts.
A note from a teenager
Shrishti (name changed) said that she understands that these are tough times and everyone is going through lot. While she said that mobile phones and screen time might be the major bone of contention, it also helps to peak ut of the screen at look at the real world. "If we come to think of it, the lockdown is comprised of fun and work at the same time. It makes us learn about the ups and downs of life. So why don't we laze around and savour our time, both at the same time," suggested the teen.
