E-Canteen Fundas: Listening more and talking less is the sure-shot way of being a better leader 

‘I have a difficult meeting today,’ said Rinku. ‘Two members in our group are behaving unreasonably. They’re either aggressive or withdrawn. It’s messing with the energy of the group. We’re stuck.’

‘Same here,’ said Rahul. ‘My friend on our project team has suddenly become withdrawn. I don’t know how to deal with it. I think I’ll just tell her strongly that this is what we must do. I see no other way.’

‘There’s a much easier way to resolve such issues,’ said Rakesh. ‘Most leaders think their job is to talk more. It’s actually the opposite. Listen more. As leaders, you two must learn to listen first.’

‘Listen more?’ asked Rahul. ‘To what? They either talk unreasonably or not at all.’

‘That’s why you must learn the art of active listening,’ smiled Rakesh. ‘My rule is — listen 80 per cent, talk 20 per cent and watch the magic unfold. Listening resolves all interpersonal issues. It also improves individual engagement, team bonding and gets great results. You achieve more with less.’

‘Whoa!’ exclaimed Rahul. ‘This is completely different from what I believed. I thought leaders gave directions and the team follows.’

‘When you lead without listening, your people work without involvement,’ said Rakesh. ‘Your team works because you told them to — not because they want to. But when you practice listening actively to them — it makes them feel involved, they feel like they are stakeholders who have a say and are being heard. And that, in turn, gets great results from the team.’

‘How exactly does it work, bhaiyya?’ said Rinku. 

‘Rinku, as we discussed earlier, people management is about energy management,’ said Rakesh. ‘First understand that any difficult or unreasonable behaviour is a sign of insecurity. And our insecurity comes from feeling like we are not being understood. To make anyone feel secure, try to understand their real issue — not the symptomatic behaviour that is unreasonable and seeking attention. Like a child. And the best way to make anyone feel understood is by listening to them, hearing them out.’

‘Hmm, that makes sense,’ said Rinku. ‘So, how should we go about our meetings today?’

‘First, make up your mind to listen actively,’ said Rakesh. ‘When you meet them, invite them to share their views first so that they have the entire space to themselves. That way they feel they are being given their due time. Don’t try to control anything. Just let them express what’s on their mind.’

‘What if they still don’t talk?’’ said Rahul.

‘That’s where your art of listening comes in,’ laughed Rakesh. ‘Be fully present. Put all distractions away. No mobile, no laptop, no watch, no looking here and there, no talking to others. Make eye contact. If they find it difficult to talk, ask gently, prod them to make a start. Open the space gently.’

‘Okay, so we get them going,’ said Rahul. ‘What next?’

‘Active listening includes listening to all that they are conveying,’ said Rakesh. ‘More than words, people reveal much through non-verbal communication. If their body language indicates that they are still insecure, intensify your listening. Nod when they speak, ask questions gently, repeat what they said to clarify. Show that you are genuinely interested, create a psychologically safe space and encourage them to share.’

‘But what if they talk about stuff that makes no sense?’ said Rahul. ‘Why listen to that?’

‘Rahul, this is about understanding them and their point of view,’ said Rakesh. ‘So, drop all judgement and listen with a completely open mind. Don’t interrupt, object or form sentences in your head to counter them. When you listen non-judgmentally, you listen without barriers which makes it easy to truly understand what they are trying to say. It’s about them first. Not you. Like Stephen Covey (educator and author) said, first seek to understand and then to be understood.’

‘What exactly are the advantages of listening so keenly?’ asked Rahul.

‘Oh, there are advantages all around — for you, for the other party and for the team,’ said Rakesh. ‘When you listen, you understand their real issues and why they’re feeling insecure. You get invaluable information and great insights when people talk honestly. The other parties feel they have been heard and understood, which makes them open up honestly. When you find this meeting point, the energy in the relationship changes drastically for the better. Everyone now feels valued, understood and important, and it shows in their work.’

‘True, bhaiyya,’ said Rinku. ‘But can we bring in our perspectives at some point or do we only listen?’

‘Absolutely, but only after making sure the other party is feeling safe enough to listen,’ said Rakesh. ‘Just by listening non-judgmentally, paraphrasing what’s being said and clarifying doubts by asking questions, you release the underlying mistrust and tension in the space. After they have fully expressed themselves, summarise once to see if you’re on the same page. And once the other party feels that they have been heard, put out your perspective by the way of sharing as opposed to showing that it is better. You will not believe how much conflict can be avoided in relationships by listening and trying to understand others. All you have to do is listen. Just try it.’

‘True, bhaiyya,’ said Rinku. ‘I am going to start listening 80 per cent and talk 20 per cent from now on.’

Pro Tip: Listening actively and empathetically helps in understanding the perspective of others leading to less conflict and more harmonious relationships. Active listening leads to greater involvement, teamwork and better results. When leaders listen, more gets done with far less.