Published: 28th September 2019
Slow Clap: Why Greta Thunberg needs to give up on her dreams ASAP
The 16-year-old is battling conspiracy theories and name-calling along with climate change. She should give it all up and just Netflix and chill
Hey Thunberg, if you’re listening: Game over, you little twerp!
Better hand in your climate activist card because, guess what, we’ve caught you in the act. Oh boo hoo! You had to spend a few minutes outside your classroom on a Friday. We never went to a classroom in our lives! Maybe that’s how we learnt to exclusively bully people who are one-fourth our size.
Let us turn the question around. How dare you? How dare you sit in a luxury, carbon-spewing train when you could have walked to whichever communist corner of the world you come from? After all, you're 16 years old and able. If you can breathe the toxic air we left behind, I’m sure your puny lungs can take more heavy breathing. I thought you were all about saving carbon! And yet we found these sneaky images of you snacking on vegan salad and bananas. Does your hypocrisy know no bounds?
Is it racist for us to call you a Nazi symbol? What? Your hairstyle and rosy cheeks remind us of the symbols Hitler’s regime used to use to capture people’s sympathy. It may have worked on people like us last time, but we won’t let your lot get us again. You say we stole your dreams and childhood? Well, you stole the peace of mind with which we used to carelessly use and abuse this environment.
To be very honest, we just don’t like the way you put your message. Why don’t you smile more and speak gently instead of screaming at our innocent generation with a perpetual grimace? Yes, we’ll still call you ‘mentally ill’ for having the audacity to think beyond the constraints within which we were raised. We might listen to you, but we’ll let you roam our earth in peace. Just let us have our SUVs and frequent air travel.
And Thunberg, we’re not your enemy. In fact, we have your best interests at heart. If you silently watch as we burn the world and convince your army of hippie freaks to do the same, we’ll save you some space in our post-apocalyptic underground tunnel. So Greta, or should we call you by your real name Estella Renee, (Yup, there is an actual theory that Greta is an Australian actress hired to sabotage climate change deniers, look it up.) the game is up. So why don’t you learn to give up on your dreams before the passage of time does that to you like it did to us?
(Views expressed here are the author's own. While not moonlighting as a fake dietary consultant, she imagines horribly creative ways to disembowel the average human with exceptionally poor humour)